For those on my flist who may need some cheering up...

[elspethdixon]

...and any who are worried about the quality of their own writing. Take heart! At least you're not this author
*points at link*
http://vandonovan.livejournal.com/1088311.html

Worst piece of prose I have ever seen. Ever.

This is worse than the chicken that was not a chicken. Worse than the venom cock (heyo!). Worse than Laurell K. Hamilton's endless descriptions of Merry Gentry's hair (which I actually kind of like. Shut up).

And I quote:
"Her teeth were her only bracelet; she carried them within the red velvet purse of her lips. Her tongue was amber. Her tongue was a ferret, an anenome, a fox caught in the teeth of a tiger."

It goes on like this for two pages.

Her toes are snails, people! Snails with shells made of tears!

Comments

[dallin-dae.livejournal.com]

I laughed my way through it all, but I nearly died when I reached 'her pubes was a field of wheat after the harvest'.

[elspethdixon.livejournal.com]

It's "her pubes was" that really kills me there. That and the fact that "pubes" really doesn't match the rest of the OTT puple prose.

Shouldn't it be "the silky thatch of hair that surrounded her most secret and sacred of places was a field of wheat after the harvest" or something flowery like that? (and nevermind that said hair isn't generally "silky")

[sodzilla.livejournal.com]

Honestly. I'd like to know who started that whole "silky pubic hair" cliché, because it's so readily observably not TRUE.

The only body hair I've encountered that was even remotely soft was on arms, but of course the silky-pubesed type of heroine tends not to HAVE hair on her arms, even if Nair was never invented in her universe...

[hippediva.livejournal.com]

Ahhhh....Snailpeople smut! ya gotta love fanfiction! *BWAAHAAAAA*

[elspethdixon.livejournal.com]

It's not fanfic! It's an actual published novel!

[hippediva.livejournal.com]

Makes you feel sorry for all those poor trees that died, doesn't it?

And the publishing industry wonders why they have absolutely no credence anymore???!

[hippediva.livejournal.com]

On second thought, since elessil and I are hard at work on a new Sparrington adventure, you've given me a GREAT idea. *chortles* Bad novels are ALWAYS such fun....*wink* More of that anon...

[mindwar.livejournal.com]

lol we had to do descriptions of body parts for a class one time to strengthen our metaphors and stuff like that, and this seems a lot like it, only it goes on forever, and it's terrible.

[st-aurafina.livejournal.com]

Tongue! Ferret! How are these two even related? Ferrets are wriggly and furry. It's so visual in a wrong way.

[simmysim.livejournal.com]

jesus christ, I WISH I could write like that

she just punched me in the face
with her words

it's like the literary equivalent of pepper spray

[sodzilla.livejournal.com]

Damn right! If I could write like that, I'd never have to worry about winning online arguments any more because I could just stun and blind my opponents with purple prose. And the field of literary criticism being what it is, I'd probably be declared a genius for it...

[simmysim.livejournal.com]

EXACTLY I can think of several people I've debated with in the past that I would love to bestow this feeling of confusion and pain to.

[20thcenturyvole.livejournal.com]

Unless her tongue was furry, spiky, orange and constantly wiggling, I... actually, that makes for a far more interesting mental image. I would totally love to see a story where some guy, under a spell of infatuation, described his lady-love in terms so purple, and they actually turn out to be true. Because she's actually a wiggly-tongued, snail-toed, grass-pubed demon. And her ears are actually carved out of elephant tusk, and her thighs are actually geese. I don't know how it would work, but it would be disturbing.

Though I would have to ask: what does a gibbous moon smell like? And how can someone's face have that fragrance?

[elspethdixon.livejournal.com]

what does a gibbous moon smell like? And how can someone's face have that fragrance?


Many, many people are wondering that now. According to Apollo astronauts, moonrocks smell faintly like gunpowder, but I doubt that's what the author had in mind.

[crimsonquills.livejournal.com]

Oh. My. God. *laughing* I read part of it aloud to my roomie and was laughing by the third paragraph, despite reading some of it in advance.

[elspethdixon.livejournal.com]

I started laughing again just transcribing that single sentence for this post. I suspect that fandom may have a new text for who-can-read-the-longest-without-laughing contests at cons.

There's actually a dramatic reading someone did of the entire two pages (as well as one of six pages from the book), which impresses me mightily -- they get all the way through the thing without laughing.

[crimsonquills.livejournal.com]

There's actually a dramatic reading someone did of the entire two pages (as well as one of six pages from the book), which impresses me mightily -- they get all the way through the thing without laughing.

There must have been a lot of practice involved, is all I can say. *g*

[bbathory.livejournal.com]

At least Stephenie Meyer sticks to adverbs...

Dang.

[geekmama.livejournal.com]

You must read the rest of the chapter, though. (http://vandonovan.livejournal.com/1088755.html)

[elspethdixon.livejournal.com]

And then he rapes her :D

And her neck is like a wine bottle covered with dew and otters.

*dies*

[geekmama.livejournal.com]

The otters were the best. Did you see the wine bottle/otter graphic? (http://vandonovan.livejournal.com/1088755.html?thread=11385075#t11385075) Awesome.

[tavella.livejournal.com]

The drawing in the comments kills me.

[pandanoai.livejournal.com]

that drawing was fabulous! the ferret!tongue XD the snail!toes!!!

god... but "her navel was like a drowsy cat"

and this was PUBLISHED?

[pandanoai.livejournal.com]

i.... i... *DIES*

that's sooooooo hilarious, i just, HE HAS STOLEN ALL OF MY WORDS FOR HIS METAPHORS AND I WOULD LIKE THEM BACK, PLEASE! XD

[pkoceres.livejournal.com]

I can't breathe... laughing too hard, oh!
WOW, THAT WAS BAD.

Who gave that the green light to be published? /o\

Also. Marmoset feet? Oh, baby YEAH. That's hot. *_*

[elspethdixon.livejournal.com]

Her feet are marmosets and locusts. And her toes are snails.

...Yeah, I fail to see the hotness there either (the author seems to have a weird obsession with animals, given the geese thighs and ferret tongue and anaconda spine and marmoset feet).

[pkoceres.livejournal.com]

Wriggling creatures ≠ sexy fun time. D:

[fire-tears.livejournal.com]

I love you so, so much for posting this. I started typing out quotes that made me laugh hysterically, but I'm too lazy to type out the whole thing. Let me just say that what made me laugh the hardest was the little note right after the image:

"And then he rapes her. :D"

I'm a bad person.


If you liked that, by the way, you'll probably enjoy this: Night Travels of the Elven Vampire. Sadly, it's not nearly as wonderful as what you've linked, but it tries. From the commentary:

Yes, Alaric is a vampire. And he shapeshifts into a wolf. Alaric is also an Elf. It also turns out that Elves are aliens from the planet Telvron, where there are also sentient trees and unicorns. And he's telepathic too, because he talks to his brother Marti'el that way. So that makes Alaric an alien vampire werewolf psychic writer. Got that? Good. That way you won't get confuzzled when he becomes a pirate.

[elspethdixon.livejournal.com]

Oh God, the heroine's name is "Elspeth!" *dies*

[fire-tears.livejournal.com]

I thought you'd like that. *g*

[sodzilla.livejournal.com]

...my bleeding eyes would feel so much better if they could find even one metaphor there that made sense. Her arms are buttresses of silk? Her butt's a pair of freshly-baked loaves?