For those on my flist who may need some cheering up...

[elspethdixon]

...and any who are worried about the quality of their own writing. Take heart! At least you're not this author
*points at link*
http://vandonovan.livejournal.com/1088311.html

Worst piece of prose I have ever seen. Ever.

This is worse than the chicken that was not a chicken. Worse than the venom cock (heyo!). Worse than Laurell K. Hamilton's endless descriptions of Merry Gentry's hair (which I actually kind of like. Shut up).

And I quote:
"Her teeth were her only bracelet; she carried them within the red velvet purse of her lips. Her tongue was amber. Her tongue was a ferret, an anenome, a fox caught in the teeth of a tiger."

It goes on like this for two pages.

Her toes are snails, people! Snails with shells made of tears!

Comments

[dallin-dae.livejournal.com]

I laughed my way through it all, but I nearly died when I reached 'her pubes was a field of wheat after the harvest'.

[hippediva.livejournal.com]

Ahhhh....Snailpeople smut! ya gotta love fanfiction! *BWAAHAAAAA*

[mindwar.livejournal.com]

lol we had to do descriptions of body parts for a class one time to strengthen our metaphors and stuff like that, and this seems a lot like it, only it goes on forever, and it's terrible.

[st-aurafina.livejournal.com]

Tongue! Ferret! How are these two even related? Ferrets are wriggly and furry. It's so visual in a wrong way.

[simmysim.livejournal.com]

jesus christ, I WISH I could write like that

she just punched me in the face
with her words

it's like the literary equivalent of pepper spray

[20thcenturyvole.livejournal.com]

Unless her tongue was furry, spiky, orange and constantly wiggling, I... actually, that makes for a far more interesting mental image. I would totally love to see a story where some guy, under a spell of infatuation, described his lady-love in terms so purple, and they actually turn out to be true. Because she's actually a wiggly-tongued, snail-toed, grass-pubed demon. And her ears are actually carved out of elephant tusk, and her thighs are actually geese. I don't know how it would work, but it would be disturbing.

Though I would have to ask: what does a gibbous moon smell like? And how can someone's face have that fragrance?

[crimsonquills.livejournal.com]

Oh. My. God. *laughing* I read part of it aloud to my roomie and was laughing by the third paragraph, despite reading some of it in advance.

[bbathory.livejournal.com]

At least Stephenie Meyer sticks to adverbs...

Dang.

[geekmama.livejournal.com]

You must read the rest of the chapter, though. (http://vandonovan.livejournal.com/1088755.html)

[tavella.livejournal.com]

The drawing in the comments kills me.

[pandanoai.livejournal.com]

i.... i... *DIES*

that's sooooooo hilarious, i just, HE HAS STOLEN ALL OF MY WORDS FOR HIS METAPHORS AND I WOULD LIKE THEM BACK, PLEASE! XD

[pkoceres.livejournal.com]

I can't breathe... laughing too hard, oh!
WOW, THAT WAS BAD.

Who gave that the green light to be published? /o\

Also. Marmoset feet? Oh, baby YEAH. That's hot. *_*

[fire-tears.livejournal.com]

I love you so, so much for posting this. I started typing out quotes that made me laugh hysterically, but I'm too lazy to type out the whole thing. Let me just say that what made me laugh the hardest was the little note right after the image:

"And then he rapes her. :D"

I'm a bad person.


If you liked that, by the way, you'll probably enjoy this: Night Travels of the Elven Vampire. Sadly, it's not nearly as wonderful as what you've linked, but it tries. From the commentary:

Yes, Alaric is a vampire. And he shapeshifts into a wolf. Alaric is also an Elf. It also turns out that Elves are aliens from the planet Telvron, where there are also sentient trees and unicorns. And he's telepathic too, because he talks to his brother Marti'el that way. So that makes Alaric an alien vampire werewolf psychic writer. Got that? Good. That way you won't get confuzzled when he becomes a pirate.

[sodzilla.livejournal.com]

...my bleeding eyes would feel so much better if they could find even one metaphor there that made sense. Her arms are buttresses of silk? Her butt's a pair of freshly-baked loaves?